Heaven is Still Far Away (天国はまだ遠く) - Chapter 1

Written by Maiko Seo, October 30th, 2006. Translated by Ryan Koski. Maiko Seo has all the rights to this piece as her intellectual property, I'm not claiming anything other than the translations as my own. 

For notes about my translation process, please click here. Also, through out the piece, I've taken advantage of this form of media by inserting links to websites that might give you more context to what's being said so you can see for yourself what's being referred to rather than me inserting a translators note and fumbling through an explanation. I hope that this will be helpful.

*TRANSLATION STILL IN PROGESS* I'm trying to update this piece as I go, but as of right now, this isn't the complete work, just what I've had time to translate so far.

Heaven is Still Far Away

I.

I’ve had my mind made up about it for a long time. That the next time things go wrong, I would just quit. I’ve always lost my nerve when it came down to it before, but this time, I’m resolute in my decision. Once you decide to do it, it takes a lot to follow through. When you decide to call it a day, you can’t drag your feet. I’m really going to end things.

I crammed only what I will need into my travel bag. It’s a large, brown bag that I got from my grandpa when I was in middle school for a school trip. On the inside, I even carved my name into it, “Chizuru Yamada”. When I was a little kid, I was afraid of carrying around this leather bag that prioritized functionality over its appearance. But I’ve come to really like it. Even when I’m not carrying much, I always bring it on long trips. Every time I use it, I come to be more and more familiar with it. Of all my possessions, this bag is what I’ve had the longest.

Because I’ll only be staying for one night tonight, there isn’t much in my bag and it’s all clattering around. There will probably be toiletries available at the inn, and since there won’t be anything after this, I don’t need a notebook. All that I have is my underwear that bought for today, my pajamas, my handkerchief, some tissues, and my phone. On top of this, I’ve closed out my bank account and have with me about 1,200,000 yen (about $8000) that I had saved up.

I withdrew my savings about a week ago, but it hasn’t decreased much. I was planning on blowing it all, but in the end I was only able to use about 30,000 yen (about $200). It was my sister’s birthday just the other day, so I just used it to buy her some clothes that she was wanting. Apart from that, I couldn’t find a way to spend it. I didn’t have anything special that I wanted or needed.

I shut off the gas, I locked the window. The water, the electricity. I checked one more time. I tidied things up for a the first half of the day, so the place looks completely clean. I emptied out the fridge, I took down the picture of me with my boyfriend, I threw away the diary that I would only write in when I felt like it. I didn’t have all that much to begin with, so my room was completely empty. I gave the room a once over, thinking about how I’d never be coming back again. It’s the room that I’ve lived in ever since graduating from vocational school. For three years I’ve lived my daily life here, and yet the atmosphere hadn’t changed much since the day I moved in. My presence here hadn’t settled into the place, no sense of me being here had sunk into the walls. After I got all my things together, it looked like it was someone else’s room.

I have to just leave already. I took my bag in my hand. The six o’clock express train is the last heading north for the day. I can’t be late for it. If I don’t implement my plans today, I’ll lose my hard-fought conviction for sure. If I do, I’ll slip back into my retched day-to-day routine. I can’t stand for that to happen. The everyday life where my only wish is a moment of peace, it’s completely unbearable. I locked the door behind me and headed for the station.

I had decided where I was going to go. For once in my life, I was able to instantly make a decision. Someplace where nobody would know me. Somewhere far away that I would still be able to get to quickly. I’m no good with long trips, and if I spend a lot of time getting there, my resolve will weaken. It’d be best to go someplace I can get to quickly. On top of that, tourist spots and warm places wouldn’t be good. If I go someplace with a positive atmosphere, I might get taken by the delusion that I could manage to hold on a bit more. An area near the Sea of Japan that has a deep blue ocean and a deep blue sky. Someplace deep in the recesses of Tottori or Kyoto. I’ll be able to follow through with my plans in that area. When I went to the sand doons of Tottori in Middle school and when I went to Ama no Hashidate with a school club in college, I was stuck by the gloomy ocean and the gloomy sky that the Sea of Japan brought about. It seems whenever I go to places along the Sea of Japan, the weather is unpleasant. If I take the special express train, I’ll be able to get there in about two hours. It will be perfect there.

I take the north-bound express train and head towards the furthest station. Because it’s a Saturday evening, more than half of the seats are occupied, but the train is still very quiet as it heads into the back country. The conductor came around checking tickets once at the beginning of the ride, but other than that, there is no onboard refreshment carts, and the train is completely silent as it rumbles forward.

The scenery I can see outside the window quickly becomes dramatically drearier. There are no signboards, no buildings, no streetlights to be seen. The sun had already begun to set and night is beginning. The night deepens the further I head north.

Although it’s still the beginning of November, the norther night sky is perfectly clear. My reflection hangs in the window now that it’s become dark. Due to the darkness outside, I can see my face perfectly reflected. I have been to the beauty salon for more than half a year, so my hair has grown down to the top of my shoulders. The holes in my ears that I went so far out of my way to have pierced have healed over. I haven’t weighed myself recently, but I’ve surely lost weight. My face wasn’t this thin before. It’s a sunken face, a sullen one. I sigh heavily as I look at my face. As I approach the terminal station, the darkness becomes even more dense. Although the windows of the express are thick, I can feel a cold that is firmly inviting of winter from the scenery passing outside. This is just right. The cold beckoning winter forth. The northern climate is just as I thought it’d be. Since I’m always overthinking things, I always make a mistake in my choice. This all fits perfectly for my final decision.

To die, you need to have a kind of momentum. Amidst my the march of daily life, it was difficult to commit to. But, if I have to stay in this region, it will surely detach me from it all. The cold, the darkness, the horrible weather. This sort of atmosphere will put me in the right headspace.

Except, as I get off the train, contrary to what I saw from the train, the atmosphere is unexpectedly lively. The station is cozy, there is only one ticket barrier, and there’s only one station attendant. But everything was all together in this one tiny place, and it was bustling. There is a number of people that were waiting in the station to get people that were on the train, and the place was filled with an cozy, at-home smell. There must be a hot springs around here; the street in front of the station looks old, but it’s lined with many hotels and places to buy souvenirs. There are tourists walking around in kimonos, dried fish are hung in the disorderly storefronts. There aren’t any of the dazzling neon lights of the city, but the small lights coming from the hotels and the souvenir shops give off a strong glow.

This won’t do. I take a look around and sigh, and readjust my bag on my shoulder. It’s permeated with the people’s energy that opposes the cold and depression. It’s loud, I couldn’t get a moment of peace here. There’s no way I could do it here. It’s still not enough. I’m going to have to go even deeper into the back-woods. Further up north.

I catch a taxi at the roundabout in front of the station. Usually I don’t take taxi as a means of transportation, but I’ve got a lot of money on me. I don’t mind. When I got into the black taxi, the disgruntled driver gave me a look in the rear-view mirror.

“Um, could you take me as far out of town as possible?” I quietly ask him.

“Where’s that?” the taxi driver says grumpily, his hands still on the wheel. It doesn’t seem like he’s about to pull out of the roundabout.

“Well, up north.”

“You can’t be talkin’ so vague-like, gimme an actual destination.” the gray-haired taxi driver says in a haughty tone. Because I’m not used to hearing his accent, but he sounds especially bold.

“Can you take me to whatever lodging is furthest north?”

“Lodging up north? I have no idea what yer sayin.”

“Well, I want to go someplace where there aren’t many people, away from this tourist area.”

“Ma’am, I have no idea what yer askin fer. If you don’t clearly tell me where yer wantin to go, there’s no way I can take you there. It’s already past 8, if we drive around aimlessly, you’ll end up nowhere for sure.”

Even so, I don’t know the names of any small towns. I just want to go north, into the sticks.

“Well, for the time being, can I have you just go as far to the north as you can?”

“Well, WHERE up north?”

“Anywhere is fine. Anywhere that’s in the back country. Please.”

Looking like he gave up on getting an answer, the driver starts driving forward without saying anything in response.

As he drives on, I put my forehead against the window and stare at the world outside. Lots of tourists are walking by with lots of big bags, maybe they’re filled with souvenirs. Several buses and other taxis pass by. But only the station area was busy. As we get further away from it, the scenery becomes dreary again.

The road winds along the coastline, and I can see the ocean right outside the window. Everything is completely still outside like it was midnight. I can hear the rhythmic crashing of the ocean waves echoing. Maybe this area has an excess of funds, the roads are all solidly paved. Even so, only two or three cars passed us heading the other way. We passed by several fishing villages, but maybe because a fisherman’s day starts so in the early morning, its seems like everyone is already sound asleep. Ocean outside of the right window. Mountains outside of the left. Both sides of the road, down to the ocean and up the mountain, are extremely steep. It seems completely inhospitable for human life, there’s no sign of nature’s softness that could take people in.

We’ve come quite far. To a place far from where anyone would know me. Far from where I lived. To a place where I’ve never been.

Things will work out somehow. I should just go with the flow of it all, I’ll get by. Surely, it’ll be ok. Things are never as bad as I worry that they are. Something as small as this isn’t a big deal at all. I should just laugh it off.

How long have I been trying to convince myself of this? Laying in my futon in the morning. In the entryway before leaving for work. In the bathroom at work. When I have no appetite, when I can’t fall asleep. If I couldn’t persuade myself of this, I would have become completely paralyzed with the weight of it all.

Work, relationships, none of it really matters. I know this well enough. And yet, these things were all so difficult for me, so important to me. No matter how much I try to be light-hearted about it all, I overthink it all and feel it all so heavily in my mind, in my body. Every morning, I got a headache just thinking about having to go to work. What will my superiors say to me tomorrow? I can’t fall asleep after thinking about things like this. Work never went well, and the more I panicked about it, the more I felt cornered by it. And at that time, even though no one ever said anything to me directly, I came to feel like I was always being blamed [RK1] for things just by being in the workplace. Just how many times did I find myself on the train headed to work on the verge of turning back and going home? Just how much time did I spend simply standing in my the entryway of my apartment on the morning of the first workday back after a vacation, petrified of going to work? Yet all the same, I couldn’t take any days off from work. Without finding a way of resolving things, my life became a matter of just getting through the day.

At some point, I stopped trying to motivate myself and my body and mind started telling me that I’m too tired for this. Always behind in my work that went terribly, worrying so tediously about meaningless relationships, and overthinking these trivial things at every turn, I came to be tired of blaming myself for it all. I was afraid of tomorrow coming and I was relieved to just get through the day. I’m sick of continuing through my days this way.

My body isn’t as clever as my mind, so it often suffers injuries from my faintheartedness. There are [RK2] constantly ulcers in my mouth, and my wrists, my ankles, all of my joints ache. I can’t sleep, I have no appetite. My body feels heavy every day. Even though I’ve been going to the hospital for the past two months, there’s absolutely no sign of these problems being resolved. My doctor only gave me vitamins C and B supplements, and some sleep aids. No matter what I take, I don’t see a change. This kind of medicine is just for peace of mind anyway. The doctor blamed all of my symptoms on stress. It seems like even I could be a doctor these days. If a patient came to me with puzzling sickness, I could just say “Stress is causing this. You’ve come to undertake a lot without even noticing it”, and with that I could give them a vitamin and send them on their way.

My poor physical health has led me to become gradually more and more depressed. Completely deprived of fun, always feeling weighed down. I spent my days off at home, never getting myself out and moving around. I would just sit and think about work, and about Monday, and I would become anxious. No matter where I went, I felt worried. There was almost never a moment when my mind was at ease.

In my three years of living alone, being pressed by my daily responsibilities, I rarely had a chance to go home and visit my parents. I was completely occupied with the busyness of work, and I came to not even speak to my friends. I was working as hard as I could every day, and didn’t have any spare time to pay attention to my life around me. Before I knew it, I came to be isolated from everyone, and at this point I don’t have anyone I could air my grievances to or depend on. I have absolutely no clue what I should do to be rescued from my situation.

My body and my mind never feel refreshed. I’m always shrouded with a heaviness. These sort of days stretch on endlessly. I need to be liberated from this as quickly as I can, my body and mind are demanding it.

“A bit further ahead is a little village called Kiyadanicchuu. There’s an inn there, I recon. Don’t know if she’s still up and running these days though,” the taxi driver says quietly.

“Alright, please take me there.”

The taxi turns off the ocean-side road into a road that leads into the mountains. Just with this one change of roads, the surrounding changed completely. The ocean that was visible up moments ago disappears, as does the asphalt. In the areas illuminated by the headlights, only trees come to appear in the haze. Because the road isn’t paved, the taxi begins to shake violently[RK3] . The road immediately to our side has become a cliff, and I become anxious that we might drive off it, but the taxi continues to pass smoothly along the road. This area likely has many roads that are just like this one.

The taxi continues onward into the mountains. Along the coast, there were fishing ports and you would feel the sense of people’s daily lives, but entering into the mountains, I can hardly catch sight of any houses at all. We pass a handful of small villages, but other than that, I see nothing but trees. There is no sense of passing any other cars or people anytime soon. The more we continue forward, the more that things [RK4] begin to disappear. The road continues straight, no signs of curving to the left or right, and with no room to make a u-turn. Ahead of us and behind us stretches this solitary, narrow road into the backwoods of the mountains. The trees become so dense that you can’t even see the sky. We gradually pull further and further away from town.

I can’t turn back anymore. I realize this and become anxious. Facing this land where there is nothing, I feel helpless like a lost child. But really, I have no need to go back[RK5] . This thought helps calm me down. Now I can be completely detached from those miserable [RK6] days. At this point, this fact is more important to me than anything else.

As we continue further down this rugged road, we begin to go up a gently sloping hill, and before us emerges a sprawling village. I call it a village, but the houses are scattered around among an area covered with fields of crops and groves of trees. It’s as if the village is floating, isolated from any sort of adjacent towns or settlements. A place surrounded by mountains, as if it were detached from the earth’s surface. It’s illuminated only by the light of the moon, time seems to stand still here.

“Years back, there were a few more houses in this area, but quite a few of them came down in the winter of ‘81. After that, there were fires that brought the rest of them down. There’s only a small river in these parts, but other than that there are no real sources of water, so if a fire breaks out, there’s not much you can do about it. There used to be quite a few older people living here, but at this point there’s hardly anyone left.” The taxi driver must not have been here for a while because he’s talking to me as if he were reminiscing.

“What happened in the winter of ‘81?”

“It snowed. Nowadays it doesn’t snow much in these parts, but back then it used to snow heavily every year. Especially in 1981, there was close to 5 meters that piled up. The houses couldn’t handle it, and even the roof of the community center ended up caving in. It was incredible.”

“Five meters…”

I look up to the sky. I can’t even begin to imagine such snow that would tower far beyond my own height.

“Here. This is the inn if my memory serves me.”

The driver parks the car in the middle of the village in front of a house that sits on an elevated piece of land.

It’s a massive house, tall and wide. Sure enough, there written on the wall is a sign reading “The Tamura Inn”. The building is quite old, so most of the characters on the sign have peeled away. I wonder if it’s truly still open for guests. I feel a bit uneasy about entering, but at this point, it’s my only option. Although it’s quite faint, a light is on deep within the house. There should be someone inside. Since the outside says it’s an inn, it must be an inn. I’ve come this far, I guess I have no choice other than staying here.

“I can get out here. Thank you so much.” The taxi fair was ￥6000 (about $38). After paying the driver and getting out of the car, I feel the fresh air on my skin. The wind is cool. The taxi drives off, and as its headlights fade away, the night becomes a whole level darker. This is a town where there is truly nothing. It becomes deafeningly quiet, and it’s all a bit creepy. Nothing can be heard save the occasional blowing of the wind and rustling of the trees. From what I can see, the “Tamura Inn” is simply a big house. I hesitate to enter. But I have no means of returning home. They’ll probably let me stay, only if for the night. I pulled with all my might to open the large, wooden front door. The door was heavy, but it was unlocked.

“Excuse me,” I call into the house as I open the front door. There is no response. I wonder if there isn’t anyone home after all. The entryway is a large, dirt floor, and there are many things cluttering the area. One pair of dirty sneakers, a thick pair of rubber boots. There is a cardboard box packed with radishes and Chinese cabbage in the corner next to a line of tools used out in the fields. There was no sign of any sort of front-counter or log for signing in. I’ve never been to an inn before, but I can’t help but wonder if this is the way that all of them are.

“Excuse me,” I try calling into the house once more. “EXCUSE MEEE!” I call loudly one more time, and finally someone appears.

“What?”

“Um…”

I thought that surely an old man or woman would appear, but was surprised to see a young man emerge from the back rooms of the home.

“What’s wrong?”

The man is tall with a large build. It’s still only a little past 9, but it seems like he might have been sleeping already. He had a carelessly unkempt beard on his chin and his cheeks, and long, messy hair framed his face.

“Um. Well, I’d like to find lodging here tonight.”

“Lodging?”

The man scratched his beard with one of his large hands.

“This is an inn, isn’t it?”

“Aah! Right!”

“So, uh, I’d like to stay here.”

The man is lost in thought for a moment, then as if suddenly remembering what to do next, he says “please come in!” and takes out a pair of house slippers for me. Putting my feet into the pair of cheap slippers, my toes feel a bit cold.

“Well. Wonder what’s next…” the man says absent-mindedly to me, standing in place. He’s wearing a light grey hoody and sweats, and even though it’s cold, he’s walking around barefoot.

“Did you just ask me what’s next?”

“You want to stay here, right?”

“Um… Can I?”

The house is quiet with a tall ceiling, so our voices echo through the room. I wonder if this man is living here alone. There’s no trace of anyone else living here.

“ ‘Spose you could stay here, but I hardly have any guests so I‘m not sure how to go about doing all this”

“Is that so.”

“Before anything else, I should probably have you write your name and address. But even so, I don’t got a check-in book or the like… Oh well, it’s probably fine. You can stay here for the time being, let me show you to one of the rooms.

“Alright.”

That’s right. I can stay. Just for one night. As long as I have someplace to fall asleep, it’ll be fine. With heavy footsteps, the man leads me into the house. The house is old, but it seems to be sturdy. It feels stately. There are a number of thick columns throughout the house, and even I can see the frame of the building. This house that has remained standing through heavy snow and fires, it looks very reliable.

On the first floor there’s a bathing area, a kitchen, and two large living rooms. It seems like these rooms are the bounds of this man’s daily life. There doesn’t seem to be signs of any others living here, but from looking at the size of the room and things in them, it doesn’t seem like it’s very suitable for just one person to use. And it seems like a young man is a bit out of place living in such a remote area. On the second floor, there are three rooms lining the hallway. They more or less look like the rooms of an inn, with a small sink and bathroom accessible by the hallway.

“I never use the second floor, so feel free to use it as ya like. There’re three rooms, so you can pick whichever you like. There’s all the same, but.”

As the man said, the three rooms were all basically the same. All three were Japanese-style rooms the size of 6 tatami mats with a large window. Apart from a small desk, there is nothing in the rooms and they look large. I choose the room farthest down the corridor. Entering the room, perhaps because it hasn’t been used in so long, the room is filled with the smell of the cool, damp sand-coated walls and tatami mats. I put my bags down and open the window. All at once, the cool night air comes flooding in. I look at what little I can beyond the window by the little light of the room. Although it’s fall, the sky is clear. Even so, the slightly waning moon looks gigantic. Surrounding this house are areas that look like fields. Maybe the fields are a part of this inn’s property, too.

After a little while, the man came into the room carrying some little things. An electric kettle, a kyuusu (teapot), and a cup. A pillow to sit on by the electric stove. A large towel and a washcloth. “There should be a futon in the drawer over there, but it’s been a long time since it’s been aired out so…” With that, he produces a machine to dry the tatami mat. His body, his hands, his feet are all huge. He was able to come carrying all these things and not break a sweat.

“That’ll about do it, huh? If you need anything else, just holler,” the man says to me as he absent mindedly stares into the corner of the room.

“This should be fine.”

“I don’t have any sort of thing I can cook you for dinner but…”

“Oh no, I’m fine without, thanks.”

“Alright then, I started heating up the bath water so you should be good to go if you give it about twenty minutes.”

“Ok.”

“I never use the bath so you can take as much time in there as you’d like.”

“Alright… Um, so for payment. I think I should pay for lodging expenses upfront,” I say in a panicked voice to the man, who was about to exit the room.

“It’s fine to pay it when you’re headin’ home.”

“Really? Well, uh, could you tell me now how much it’ll be?” If I don’t find out the price now, I won’t be able to have it prepared for him. There isn’t going to be a time when I’m going home.

“Huh, well… At most inns, what would you guess the going rate is?”

“Huh?”

“How much do other inns charge?”

“Well… how much do you usually charge people when they stay here?”

“The only other time that someone has stayed here was when a couple came two years ago, I forget how much they gave me.” The man’s deep voice echoed in the wooden room.

“I see. I really have no idea either, but maybe an inn might charge at least ￥5000 for a night.”

“Right. Well, seeing as there isn’t anything in these rooms, nothing was set up for you and this place is pretty old, how about we go with ￥1000 (about $6).”

“￥1000?”

“Is that no good?”

“No, it’s fine, but is just￥1000 really alright?”

It’s true that there really isn’t anything here, but all the same, ￥1000 is a bit absurd.

“Oh sure, it’s fine. Getting ￥1000 just for letting someone stay in my house is a great deal for me too. You can pay me the morning that you head out.”

And with that, the man leaves. It seems like he doesn’t like dealing with detailed things like this.

As soon as the man leaves, the room falls silent. Just the same as when the taxi had left earlier. When something leaves this place, it becomes perfectly quiet. The nighttime in the countryside is deep. Upon taking off and folding the jacket I was wearing, I boiled water in the kettle and made some tea. All I did was ride the train and take the taxi, but traveling such a long way has left me famished. I haven’t had much of an appetite recently, it's a little funny that I would be so hungry right before I die.

Onto the small table, I take out the boxed lunch that I bought before boarding the express train. I splurged and bought a ￥1500 one for my last night. It’s long since become room temperature, but when I open the lid, I immediately smell the delicious broth of the nimono.

This boxed lunch looks like it’s from a high-class Japanese restaurant, and I carefully look at each item they included. Boiled carrots and Shitake mushrooms, Spanish mackerel cooked in miso, all of it deliciously splayed before me. I’m not a terrible cook, but these days I’ve come to never cook for myself. Coming home after a long day of work, I never felt like thinking about what I should make for dinner, and there was never anything in particular that I would like to eat. When making dinner, I was generally able to get by fine by heating up ready-made side dishes and instant foods.

(Left off at the beginning of the third paragraph on page 26)

[RK1]責められている

[RK2]Are?

[RK3]大きく… not quite “violently”… maybe “greatly”? “Extremely”?

[RK4]いろんなものが消えていく. ものっていうのはthings? Signs of lifeこの場合で？

[RK5]もう戻らなくていい

[RK6]It just says あの日々から完全に切り離されたのだ in the ST, but I think the readers in English might need this extra info?